Ever wonder what you were like in a past life? Do you even believe things work that way? I do. Lately I'm feeling like I must have been awful; greedy, rude, self-serving and arrogant. Otherwise where the hell is all this bad karma coming from? I have to believe we have the opportunity to get it right, whether in this life or the next, otherwise I'd be really depressed. Quite likely nearly mid-way through my time here I have accomplished... well, not a lot. I am not satisfied, not in a comfortable place and most definitely not settled. God knows the goals are set and I work hard, it's just not happening. One step forward, three steps back. Get married, check. Get a divorce, which leads to other horrors I'd rather not get into, whoops. Settle in own home, check, start a fulfilling career, check. Whoops and whoops along with more of the aforementioned horrors. Despite the leaps and bounds I have made, despite the knowledge I've attained, I am exactly today where I was 16 years ago. Except I'm not young anymore with time to work with. And now I have two sweet offspring depending on me. I cannot begin to describe the added element of fear that brings.
Don't mistake this blog for a pity party plea. Hardly. I'm thinking that maybe by venting into the void I can rid myself of the bad juju I've been dealt and have a few things work out in my favor for a change. I am ready, so ready, for a simple content life. A life that I have time to enjoy instead of constantly busting my ass because I'm always three steps behind. I'm not asking for a lot, just "enough".
Don't send advice because I'm not in the mood. Don't tell me it will get better because you don't know that. Don't tell me things are the way they're meant to be and things happen for a reason because it doesn't mean shit right now. Later probably yes. And please, don't tell me you "get it" because you don't, you're not me. Right now I don't even know me.
Lately I have seriously considered looking into relocating to some quaint town in the mid west where everybody knows everybody and you enjoy the simple things because that's all there is. I guess I'm thinking of a place and people I have tended to scoff at in the past. Work a normal job and then just "be". Sounds a little like heaven to me.
My new mantra is this: Let it go and move on. Appreciate the little things, savor every moment. Possessions are nothing, children are everything. Advocate for yourself, stop worrying about everyone else. Eat chocolate for dinner at least once a week. And above all, most importantly, tell the people who deserve to be told it to: "Fuck off" :-)