So tomorrow is my last day running an in home daycare. Last day ever. I’ve been in the profession since 2004 so when I think about it I have a flood of emotions. I admit that I’ve experienced several throughout the past few weeks; sadness, anger, relief, fear and joy to name a few. Of course I am very sad and for a number of reasons. While closing was definitely in the plan within the next few years it was not in the immediate plan. I had hoped to spend a little more time with the children, see them off to kindergarten. Also, selfishly, it was allowing me the opportunity to finish my Bachelor degree at a more relaxed pace. Part of me is angry because as I mentioned closing tomorrow was not the immediate plan. It was an unfortunate side effect of one person’s (who shall remain anonymous) selfishness. So yeah call me crazy, I’m a tad pissed. There is also a part of me that is relieved. My life is taking a new direction and childcare wasn’t going to quite fit anymore. Also Fred is older now and is also ready for change. All of this leads me to outright fear, which I’ve decided is hands down the strongest emotion there is. It is at least for me, at this very moment. No other emotion seems to have quite the paralytic effect as fear can. I am afraid of such a life change after such a long time, and especially going back to the fact that it didn’t occur as a result of my planning. I had it in my brain that I would be ready for the change in two or three years, once I finished my degree and had secured a career in that field. I would be “settled”, and Fred would be old enough that the change would not have any major impact on him. In short I had a plan, and now I do not. I often wish I could be “one of those people” who could fly by the seat of their pants. It’s humorously ironic that flying by the seat of pants is in fact exactly what I do in emergency services and will do more aggressively once a new career has taken hold. But… it’s different somehow. It’s not personal.

So what’s next? I don’t quite know the answer to that question. Rather than being prepared I find myself chasing the proverbial eight ball and I hate it. I am completely unorganized. I am still seriously pondering the idea of relocating but struggle with the voices (Nicki :-)) that are arguing the idea in my head. On the right we have more opportunity, a chance to start fresh, fewer limits and more open doors. On the left I say distance makes for less support from family and friends with no guarantee that I will be successful. Also of course would be another major life change for Fred, and is that fair to him? Maybe it would be a good change? I find myself in a predicament. Both voices make very valid arguments and I just don’t know what to do. Perhaps I should go with the theory that it will be what it’s meant to be. If the opportunity to relocate presents itself and is feasible then it is meant to be, and if it doesn’t it was not.